Don't touch the thermostat!

OH NOES

2009-01-29T22:42:00.001-05:00

INDEFINITE HIATUS?!?!

People Still Live Here

2008-06-30T02:20:00.002-04:00

Hi!

The Balls + The Cock

2007-12-18T23:50:00.000-05:00

seriously, that's like 19 feet of cock right there

the boys just wanted to say...

2007-12-11T01:47:00.001-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS ORMSBY, you sexy thing ;)

TENTACLES!!!

2007-12-11T01:37:00.000-05:00

now that i've had my mind BLOWN tom jane style, i'm ready for me 1st poast since me 1st poast...
...btw the chicago bears' starting quarterback says hi

I could totally murder somebody and frame it on these guys....

2007-12-09T04:26:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I walk in the door at 3am and find things like this, awaiting me on the foyer floor (like cat droppings):

Naturally I was a little confused, perhaps foolishly so. A quick trip to the bathroom proved enlightening:

You may be asking yourself, what foul influence thus corrupted our dear, sweet petunia of a girl?

I like how Tristyn is the only drunk in the world who craves RICE CAKES. Surely she wasn't alone in these exploits?

He's going to be hurting in the morning. Not only because of his neck, but because somebody thought to comment on the situation:

Suuuuckers! To be fair, they did set my computer's home page to some asian shit porn. Jackholes.

2007-12-04T21:20:00.001-05:00

I was bored this morning so i put perfume on the cat.

Sorry.

2007-11-08T00:27:00.001-05:00

When I am drunk I think Troy is AWESOME.

Hooray Thighs!

I am the clown with the tear-away face!

2007-11-01T15:06:00.000-04:00

This happened:

Best camerawork ever!

2007-10-24T17:46:00.001-04:00

I am in your kitchen, stealing ur brittlez

omg clarke's 1st poast!

2007-10-07T23:04:00.000-04:00

per Urban dictionary...

"That girl Tristin is one grotsky little whore slut. No one likes her."

lolZ!

p.s. I hate the movie Cars.

Live from apartment 201:

2007-10-05T22:15:00.000-04:00

Due to the popularity of Pterodactyl Pornography on the internet, Tristyn and I, while perhaps under the twin influences or rum and gin, considered the newest fad in dinoporn: Dino-Fisting. And stick with me, my story gets better. Just picture, really picture...a good T-Rex fisting. Tell me that shit isn't funny.

Live from apartment 201:

2007-10-04T01:08:00.000-04:00

Should you be bored, feel free to try Tristyn's newest sexual act, the HOT BOX.

"Fill a girl's vag with salsa, and then fuck her!"

Upon consideration, tabasco is also acceptable. Also, whole tomatoes and onions, provided the lady in question has especially powerful muscles.

I've got a terrible case of Evan Rachel Wood (over 4 hours).

2007-09-24T17:39:00.000-04:00

You know how mash-ups are all the rage? Well, maybe a year or two ago, anyway. At my sweet movie theatre job I'm very busy and important, and have time to think up things like this:

Okay, this is mainly for Clarke. As is my heart. Although this might not be at all funny, it's better than the alternative: "Good Night and Good Luck, Chuck and Larry"

...or is it?

Across The Universe - Movie Trailer

2007-09-23T18:12:00.001-04:00

I absoultely love this movie

BABY VERSUS COBRA

2007-09-22T16:33:00.001-04:00

This is how I'm raising my child. Also, with whips.

Live from apartment 201:

2007-09-22T01:46:00.000-04:00

Tristyn: "I'm not farting, I just have air in my vag."

2007-09-19T23:48:00.001-04:00

This apartment is full of MUSE

and BOXES

Second verse, same as it ever was.

2007-09-19T01:43:00.000-04:00

Hey now, new apartment, new apartment blog. This could be of potential interest to one should they be amused by:

- 4 twentysomethingish kids dealing with work, school, poverty, clashing egos, and dishwashing avoidance.
- Pictures of penis, most likely.
- Terrible puns.
- Lacking updates.
- Robots from the future, attempting to same humanity from Paris Hilton.
- Smoothie recipes? Or perhaps Tristyn can list her invented cocktails and their witty names (dirty foreigner) here.

And more(?)! So brace yourself, because this time there may be ladies posting as well. And they're crazy.

You can't spell "jewish" without "ew".

2007-04-16T16:26:00.000-04:00

Color me crazy, but I'm convinced I'm a prophet for the entirety of the Jewish religion. Yeah, really. When it snows, a message is revealed to me in the parking lot....

See it? STAR OF DAVID. It's totally there. Tomorrow I'm becoming an ordained rabbi.

The Hot Hotness

2007-04-05T12:59:00.000-04:00

Here is a publicity still for our forthcoming album, the tentative title of which I forget, but I assure you it's hearty and offensive. The first single is title "Be On" and its lyrics come from a spam email asking me to instant message with some porno-spamming robot. The lyrics are:

"Hi Hon
You are a hot one
You want to party? I will
Be on, Be on!"

In the full text of the spam email, it said "You want to party I will be on msnmessenger" but we are not microsoft's corporate whores so we will not include promotion for their products in our musical brilliance.

I'd post the song, but it's really not worth the interweb serverspace.

I'd buzz that butt....you know?

2007-03-28T04:43:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wanted to see this man sing along with a Tom Jones classic? I have. For years.

It's as though somebody reached into my brain and pulled out all of my wildest dreams. Please go here as soon as you are able. Please. The goodness starts 1:30ish.

OH SHIT GET THE FUCK OUT

2007-03-20T06:56:00.000-04:00

SCREW THE MAYANS I HAVE FORSEEN OUR DOOM

MANTIS VIKINGS WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE

Poetry Club

2007-02-08T03:45:00.000-05:00

Seth and I have recently taken to reading each other poetry. Except we are only allowed to read poetry from one collection of poems. That collection is The Complete Poetic Works of Michael Madsen Vol. 1L 1995=2995 (yes that Michael Madsen). Here's a nugget of poetic beauty from the man that brought you amazing performances in such films as Kill Bill, Free Willy, My Boss's Daughter, and Bloodrayne:

Swimming with gators, but they don't want to harm me do they?
Then--
I'm at a wedding with only my underwear on
and looking in a huge mirror.
My legs are horse legs.
Alas, I'm a Centaur driven from sleep
by the urge to release toxins.
If tortilla soup gave you diarrhea
it would be tortilla-rea

Prepare to be Teri-fied.

2007-01-23T16:39:00.000-05:00

I saw a really scary movie last night.

BEN DON'T LOOK

2007-01-20T00:30:00.000-05:00

Because I work at a movie theatre, I watch a lot of movies. Over and over. Anything to distract me from the mind-numbing hell that is my roach-infested empty life. Because my opinion is correct, I'll now construct a list of the ten best flicks of 2006. Just for you. Lover.

10) Hard Candy

Why wouldn't I like a movie involving pedophelia, castration and Sandra Oh? Additionally, the movie is pretty well written and filmed, with compelling characters and...pedophelia. Also, Ellen Page is a cutie.

9) The Prestige

Mmm, Bale. Had I only seen this movie once, it wouldn't appear on the list as it's easy to write off, due to the "twist". It makes it feel a little cheap, I grant. But the second time around, it became more of a tragic morality tale, especially regarding the Bale character. I dug it. It also doesn't hurt that it's a technically very well done period piece (always impressive), with two awesome lead performances and a solid group of supporting actors. Especially awesome (sans tights) is David Muthafuckin Bowie as Nikola Tesla in the movie's ballsiest plot device.

9) Little Children (tie)

Sure, I liked the story. I liked the acting. I liked the visual style. Mostly, though, I just want to marry Kate Winslet and make lots of chubby little babies and live happily ever after. Let's all find large pikes and murder Sam Mendes, kay? Has Kate ever been anything but great in a movie? If she doesn't take best actress this year and that hateful old bitch Helen Mirren gets it, I'm going to do absolutely nothing. Except sulk!

8) V for Vendetta

This isn't going to be the last movie on the list dealing with distopian futures, which probably has more to do with current world afairs than my movie preferences. Vendetta deserves a buttload of credit for managing to streamline the very dense graphic novel without compromising its themes or tone. It also managed to be political and thought provoking without sacrificing entertainment value. I'm looking at you Constant Gardner. A great little butt-kicker of a movie. Also, I could listen to Hugo Weaving talk for the rest of eternity, as long as I had a bag of marshmallows to nosh on (eternity is a pretty long time).

7) The Science of Sleep

A lot of people really, really liked Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. If I had to pick one Michel Gondry movie to trumpet, though, it would be this one. It has more wonder, more inventiveness, more beauty, and perhaps a better lead actor. I'm a little bit in love with this movie (more than a bit due to the European vibe) and if you give it a chance you probably will be too.

6) Brick

Joseph Gordon Levittt could star in a snuff film where he kills kittens via prolapse and I'd still love it. That man-boy is a star, I tell you, a bright shining star. Brick holds up on its own merits, though. The noir throwback is a refreshing change of pace, the dialogue is involving and inventive, the first-time direction is lively and impressive, and the entire ensemble cast is near perfect. Even if you don't love the movie, it's inarguably compelling.

5) Pan's Labyrinth

Uh oh, top 5 time. I watched this movie only last night, whereas most of the other picks here have had multiple viewings and a significant amount of time to sink in. Basically, placement here is a little suspect, but I think it's only possible for me to like this movie more and more. Anyway, tragic story, check. Fantasy elements? Check. Awesome art direction and design, check check check. I'm a giant sucker for movies containing the former, such as Brazil or, well, any Terry Gilliam movie, so Pan was right up my alley. After you see this (and you should), run out and check Del Toro's companion piece The Devil's Backbone which is equally grood.

4) Little Miss Sunshine

Sometimes movies are labled "crowd-pleasers" because they're actually really good. Little Miss Sunshine, case in point. Very funny, very poignant, the best ensemble cast of the year (sorry The Departed), and it just left me feeling good. Also, I was introduced to DeVotchKa through the movie, which lands it a spot on the list automatically. Too bad there aren't more movies like this--instead we get drivel like The Break Up.

3) Lady Vengeance

Park Chan-Wook's Oldboy was my undying love of last year (pick up the snazzy box set, fuckers) so naturally I was awaiting this follow up (and trilogy ender!) with rabid fervor. Although my boner is not as raging for the Lady as it was for the Boy (a statement true in life as well), it was still a staggering acheivement both on stylistic levels as well as emotional. The movie is also undoubtedly the most epic and ambitious of the Revenge Trilogy, yet it still has a focused soulful core. The more I watch it the more I find to adore, so in the future it could well emerge as my favorite. Too bad nobody's seen it!

2) Children of Men

Uh oh, I'm running out of things to say. Here we have an unnervingly relevant futuristic science fiction flick that creates an amazing universe, packed with spectacular actors at the top of their games. Cuaron just squeezes cinematic magic ou of every frame, and how about those takes, eh? Try and figure out the car shot, I dare you. My mind is BOGGLING. And if you're not choked up by the end of the movie, well, you're an inhuman monster. With tentacles.

1) The Fountain

But this one's the best.

Completely original and thought provoking movie, yet utterly simple. Images you've never seen before. Hugh Jackman blows me out of the fucking water. The best score of the year. I could watch this movie every day, get something different out of it each time, and love every moment. XOXOX

The runners up: Tristram Shandy, Running Scared, Slither, Kinky Boots, Nacho Libre, Strangers with Candy, Crank, The Departed, Flushed Away, Harsh Times, Stranger than Fiction, Casino Royale.
Guiltiest horrible pleasure: She's the Man
The worst: Running with Scissors (The only movie I walked out on this year, I was infuriated by every aspect of that abortion), X3 (What a waste of potential), The Black Dahlia (Worst ending....ever), Firewall (Indy, what happened???), Date Movie, Ultraviolet

Thanks for putting up with me!

The question is, which subject of this post would win in a boxing match?

2007-01-07T05:03:00.000-05:00

I've been living in our beloved Apartment 294 for a few months now, and more often than not a specific van has been parked in front of the complex. It looks something, if not exactly, liiiike:

I've been thinking that the van probably belongs to The Devil's Rejects, and one night while making a hurried voyage to the local 7-11 (to buy bibles or other sundries) it would be extremely likely, if not certain, that I would be pulled inside this van and used for various sexual tortures and/or dentistry. Occam's Razor, yes.
Today I was driving to work when I noticed that a tarp, usually coving the mysterious area on the rear, had been pulled down. Exposing a penis:

Naturally I visited this site later on. I suggest you do as well, which will learn you that the van in fact belongs to a death metal band by the name of The Seventh Gate. Johnny Depp was only 14 when he starred in that one! There is also a diseased dong on the site. If you want to hear their awesome music (and you should), there's a link somewhere to their (shudder) myspace page. But, if you are (as I suspect) too lazy, here's a picture of their frontman/my neighbor:

Tomorrow I am going to invite him over for Fresca and Mean Girls.

Speaking of awesome movies, it's now my life goal (really!) to find and view this movie. I need it.

CRUST 2003
Comedy - Preview (Release 12 12 03)

Normally, the mantis shrimp (a crustacean which isn't really a shrimp) only grows to about a foot long or so, but in this movie, a seven-foot-long one shows up in England (by way of the Philippines). Pub owner and failed boxer Bill (McNally) buys the creature, seeing it as his chance to become rich and famous, training the ferocious crustacean to box (complete with boxing gloves on his front pincers). Hitting the road with his amateur boxer best friend, Steve (Fitzpatrick), a trainee hairdresser (Mardenborough) and the giant sea creature, Bill heads to London to convince a TV network to feature the crustacean on an "American Gladiators"-style event hosted by Ulrika Jonsson.
Keyin McNally, Perry Fitzpatrick , Naomie Harris, Louise Mardenborough, and Madhav Sharma star.
Planned Theatrical Release December 12th, 2003 (Shelved).

Shelved??? NOOOO WHY JESUS NEIGHBOR?

The Movie Trailer Game

2006-12-28T23:18:00.000-05:00

Hey Seth
Rember when, we used to play the game?
At the start of the movie
we'd arrive early, and guess how many trailers would be in front of it
the whole group picked numbers
Price Is Right rules, closest without going over
and the losers all owed the winner "sexual favors"
only that last rule never really mattered
because back then, we were all affraid of physical contact
and some of us still are

and then you got a job at the movie theatre
and now you're the one who puts the trailers on the movies
and so we can't play that game anymore
because you'd always win
and i'm still not giving you any sexual favors.

Ra hearts leopard print.

2006-12-23T02:50:00.000-05:00

What with this being a first impression and all, I just wanted to be accurately portrayed. This picture was taken last month during our voyage through the Sudan. XOXO

2006-12-23T01:59:00.000-05:00

Um. Just so you know who you're dealing with here.

Seth eats babies.